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“Not here for a penpal” is one of the common denominators I should have added to my list of things that I’m sick of reading on peoples Tinder profiles.
The uninitiated amongst us would be right to question why someone would be on a dating site if they’re not actually looking to, well, y’know…date. It’s a solid question and the reality is, even if someone is on there for a ONS (One Night Stand, obv) or a casual hook up, there’s still the probability that eventually you’re gonna have to “connect” and step away from the screen. That is unless you’re happy spending your Friday nights getting your rocks off with your phone. Alone. In your house. Now, I aren’t saying I’m not down for a little sext action, in the right circumstances it’s fantastic, but I much prefer the presence of an actual human being massaging my nether regions rather than telling me about how they’re gonna do it. Ya feel me?
I much prefer the presence of an actual human being massaging my nether regions rather than telling me about how they’re gonna do it.
I’m very much a fan of the ‘we matched, I don’t hate talking to you, we seem to have a vibe going, let’s speak on the phone to see if this chemistry continues when we throw in another medium‘ approach when it comes to online dating. And if that chemistry follows through to the phone? Where shall I meet you? Yep, it probably comes down to that fact that I’ve watched way too many back to back episode of Catfish to realise that if they’re avoiding meeting up with you, you’re probably pouring your heart out to a fish farmer who lives in Canada and stole their profile picture from a male model who lives in Cali but also because, weirdly, I joined a dating site because I’d actually like to go on dates and meet new people.
Let’s be honest, if they’re skirting around the actual logistics of meeting face to face, they “can’t possibly do Tuesday because I’m washing my hair/walking the dog/*insert other fictional plans here*, your interactions are still text based after 1-2 weeks and you’re beginning to feel like you can’t broach the subject again without coming across as needy , you’ve probably found yourself a new pen pal.
So does your latest Bumble match just wanna be (pen) pals or is it a little more complex?
They’re worried your strong text game will fizzle out if you actually meet.
Your back and forth is fantastic, there’s definite chemistry, their name pops up on your phone and you get the belly butterflies. You feel like you’re on the same wavelength, have a lot in common and reckon if you did meet up IRL, you’d get on like a house on fire. But… what if you don’t? I went on a Tinder date with a guy who ticked all my boxes on paper and our text game was strong, throw us together in a date environment and I was hid in the toilets trying to arrange a swift get away because that chemistry didn’t just fizzle, it was extinguished. Rapidly. To add insult to injury, our post date “well, that was pretty terrible, wasn’t it?”
They’re insecure about actually meeting people.
It’s not surprising that the people you find on a dating site may not be the most confident of people. Sure, some people use it like it’s online shopping but for other people, approaching somebody in a bar seems like absolute hell so what’s easier than making that first move from behind a phone with no actual human contact. Maybe they’re not the worlds most confident person, have their own hang ups that might stop them from putting a definite date in the calendar because there’s too many “what ifs” or they just absolutely hate the awkwardness of meeting somebody for the first time. People can form a very curated version of themselves if there’s no face to face contact
They need an ego boost.
Remember the scene in Grease were Marty goes through her photo book of male pen pals when Zucko turns into a pig? “Don’t worry honey, have one of mine!” It could be that you’re simply one of theirs. One of many that they hit up on the daily to make their day pass quickly, to provide them with a bit of light entertainment, to rub their ego if they need it. Feeling desired is a real pick me up and if you find you’re the one doing all the running and handing out the compliments, they’re probably just keeping you on the back burner cos you make them feel good.
They just don’t wanna meet anybody.
But why would they be on online dating? Surely that goes completely against the concept. You forget that some people join a dating site because everybody else is doing it. It’s intriguing. It’s new. They throw up a couple of photos and test the waters so that they can say “online dating? Completed it” to their mates, but chances are they never had any intention of actually meeting anybody and you’ve just been a guinea pig.
….or *whispers* they just don’t wanna meet you.
Brutal? Yep. But is it a true reflection on you as a potential date? Absolutely not. Truth is that this person don’t actually know you, regardless of how many messages you’ve exchanged.
Whatever their reason, it’s important to remember that unless you’re more than happy to take on a pen pal with no hopes of it actually going anywhere (whether it’s a full blown relationship or a cheeky after work drink), it’s probably not the most conducive way to spend your time talking to them in the hopes that they’ll eventually come around to the idea.
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WANT MORE?
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Okay. It seems you have some bad experiences in dating or pen pal sites.
But you are right…why join a site like that. Its basically apps of empty promises