I think that one of the greatest human flaws is that we can (rather stupidly) become caught up in the illusion of something, or someone.
The saying goes that you always want what you can’t have (story of my life). If there’s somebody you really like and can’t have, or someone that you’ve split up with and can’t get over – all you see is the positive points of that person, or the illusion of them. We build up a fantasy of this person in our head of them being some kind of adonis. That if you could only be with them then everything would fall into place and the world would make sense again.
Would it though? Really?
In some instances, yes – this may be true, and sometimes some people are just meant to be together (I’m talking Britney and Justin here. If they hadn’t split up Justin wouldn’t be making shit films and Britney wouldn’t have shaved her hair, and then turn up on American Idol with that god awful weave and shit clothes and she wouldn’t have married Kevin Federline and, and, and…this is a sentence of too many ands which is making me very ragey . DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT BRITNEY AND JUSTIN)
In reality, it’s actually the illusion of somebody being somehow destined for you and meant to be that causes us to spend months flogging a dead horse. I know I’ve been guilty of this in the past and I’m sure you have (don’t shake your head, I bet you have). Its even worse after a break up. When it comes down to it, an ex is an ex for a reason. Something, somewhere down the line didn’t work out and one of you, or both of you, made the decision that you would be happier apart. A break up is horrific, it can completely throw you from a life that you made with that person to being single again and that in itself can be absolutely terrifying. It can also be boring and leave you longing for what you once had.
People often describe falling in love as finding your missing piece, your missing jigsaw piece. When you’re with that person you’re “Whole Again” (who’s singing Atomic Kitten in their head now? I am). In a break up, those joined jigsaw pieces are torn apart and you’re left with holes where that other person used to be. For a while those holes can feel completely vulnerable to the outside world, and the easiest thing you can do is to imagine that person filling them again (I’m getting so innuendo-fied in my head with all these holes being filled references, but it’s the easiest way of describing it). Missing someone is natural, wanting back what you had is natural… but its important not to get mixed up in the illusion of having back everything that was good.
Sometimes you need to look back and remember the reasons why you’re “ex” in the first place. Whether you wanted different things in your future, were tired of arguements about the same thing, if one of you cheated and the trust was lost or if it was something as small as the noise that he/she made when eating cereal that caused the demise of the relationship, they’re the things to concentrate on. Its easy to get rhapsoise and get caught up in the hype of what was or what could have been and spend days missing that person and wishing it could only work out. When your senses eventually return to you, if you know in your heart of hearts that the break up was the best decision then all you’re doing is wasting time. Time is precious, and you shouldn’t waste it but we’re all guilty of doing it when it comes to love. Sometimes you can spend so much time looking in that relationship rear view mirror that you don’t have time to look forward to truly appreciate who or whats around you at the time.
Take away a relationship and a break up. You can spend weeks, months even fantasising about someone and what could be should they give you the chance to wow them your wit and charm. Days spent/wasted trying to catch someones attention, waiting on a sign that maybe they feel the same, hanging on because of those old mixed messages, when the truth of the matter is that they if they felt the same, they’d tell you. And while you’re being all hung up on this person, there may be someone else who’s been waiting there all along and when you finally wake up from this illusion, they’ll be gone. You should ignore any mixed messages, and hints, because as said in Bridget Jones “I mean there’s been all these bloody hints and stuff, but has he ever actually stuck his fucking tongue down your fucking throat?”