“Nice Guys” Finish First

(This was originally a guest post that I wrote for the lovely Hannah’s blog, but is feeling very relevant right now. With her permission I’m reblogging here)

There are a lot of men in this world, and I have developed a crush on at least half of them. Perhaps even two thirds of them and subsequently been rejected by around hmmm… 90% of them. From my experience in this stagnant dating pool of which we call life, Men are divided into 3 categories. Nice, bastards and gay. The nice guys are extremely hard to come by and are usually accompanied by a beautiful girlfriend WITH LEGS UP TO HERE, the bastards are ten a penny and would rather jizz on your face if you were on fire than extinguish the flames and the gay ones make me wish I owned a penis and liked anal sex.

I know we shouldn’t label things (apart from the food in your fridge so your housemate doesnt steal your favourite fancy m&s yoghurt that you’re saving to eat when watching New Girl) but life would be so much easier and save a lot of frog kissing time if men were labelled on the forehead “nice” or “bastard” – I know what you’re thinking “but then who would want a bastard?” Youd be surprised. Some girls really do want a bastard. sometimes you don’t want hearts and flowers, sometimes you want the rough and tumble of drunken text messages and being left unconscious by your head board.

What gets my thong in a twist (Hannah and I do not share the same underwear tastes) is when the bastards try and disguise themselves as the nice guys: and by this I don’t mean they just seem nice to begin with because they all do. heck, even Hannibal Lecter was kind of charming before the whole eating of someones brain. They actually make a point of butting into your moans during your first him inducedm orgasm to say “I’m a nice guy, I’m one of the good ones, woe is me, girls shit all over me, what a shame, feel sorry for me” etc and you’re thinking… This guy is a catch. Why are people shitting on him? Have you seen his chest hair? Have you seen his face? Oh my god I’m having the most amazing orgasm. And before you know where you are, you’ve let your bastard guard down abit and you’re enjoying Mr Nice Guy.

You make think this is happily ever after story about the lovely orgasm inducing Mr Nice Guy, but alas not. No my friends, this is just the start. Little bastardisms start creeping into the cold light if day. A twatty comment here, a sly below the belt tweet there and before you know it you’re hurtling up shit creek without a paddle and no armbands. Sheep in wolves clothing? He’s a male slag and you’ve fell hook line and sinker for this Noah from The Notebook persona that he’s presented to you when actually he’s Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men with only half the craziness. Its this confusion that turns you into some bat shit crazy woman, because nice guys arent meant to play stupid man games, they’re meant to text back and buy you roses and tell you exactly what they’re thinking. Not ignore every single message you send them for 7 hours and then eventually reply with a “lol” or “ok” message while updating Twitter and Facebook constantly and tweeting hot girls with LEGS UPTO HERE.

I wrote a post recently about piloting a “wristband” idea on men, where they get a red, amber or green wristband based on their current relationship/dating status to stop me developing crushes on men with a girlfriend/wife/penchant for other men’s willies. Do you think we could start a wristband idea for “nice men” and “bastards” and then “bastards who like to masquerade as nice men purely to get p*ssy and then turn into bastards as soon as THEY have cum” – opinions?

  • Wow! I absolutely agree with this!
    Wristbands would definitely make life a lot easier for us girls when we’re single!
    I think that all men can be a bit of both really, we have all fallen for both mr nice guy and the total opposite!
    Some of my male friends are convinced that girls only want to go out with ‘Bastards’ but i keep telling them that they’re wrong! :) x

  • Rachel

    Lol wet myself

  • Great post!

    Personally I feel that the nice guys can be split up into two categories. Those that know they are, and those that don’t. Those that know they are, can sometimes slip into the “Bastard” category. Now, please forgive me if this sounds very self righteous, as its not meant to be, but I’ll explain.

    I’m a 25 year old straight male, and my relationship record leaves a lot to be desired, with one relationship which was now nearly eight years ago and no dates before and only one date since (no kisses, one night stands, nothing like that, the closest I got to the intimacy with the opposite sex was a hug). My girl mates say I am that “nice guy”, and someone will be “very lucky to be with you” (you get the idea) but I really can’t see it. I’m just me, nothing added, nothing taken away. I try to be kind, considerate and just generally there for anyone that needs it, but, I know I’m not perfect and have many numerous flaws. How I am with people, is virtually the same whether they are men, women or a random alien and due to the nature of how I am, I can, unintentionally hurt people. Because, a) they either think I’m after them whilst being in a relationship or b) due to me relationship history, it takes me a long to feel true feelings for someone, and as such I can appear cold and uninterested. And being a soppy git like I am, (if I don’t cry at the Pixar films it would be a miracle!) it can create a few unintentional problems and may drift me into yet another category.

    Whereas, the nice people, who know they are indeed nice, get a lot of praise and start to big themselves up, and not in a humourous way either. So in an instance, where an arguement or something happened, they perceive themselves to be right. (I know men have a tendency for this anyway, but the nice man who doesn’t know it, will more than likely, just try to end it by agreeing to disagree) and then because the ego kicks in, that once nice man you thought of, is actually one that goes in the “bastard” category.

    It is a confidence issue through and through, guys like me, are not scared of commitment (we love it) but it, generally, takes a long time to get there because we hurt so much inside when the relationship, date or whatever seems to be going nowhere and it consequently finishes, and then we start thinking about things, thinking, was I a monster? And getting very paranoid. At the end of the day, we are considered “safe”

    You give a bloke too much confidence, and the ego steps in, with perhaps a slightly wicked side, which is always an attractive prospect due to the unknown. I’m not saying the “safe” guys don’t, but we’re less spontaneous and more planning thinking about how to make it extra special.

    Anyways, I’ve driveled on for a fair bit now, anything you want to ask, just reply and I’ll get back in touch asap :-)

    • Erm, Charl.. HELLO! I think you’ve pulled ^ ^ ^

  • Ha ha, another “nice guy to bastard” thing to say: “I’ve fancied you for ages”. I prefer the stamp-on-forehead idea to the wristband thing.

  • Yup, I think the wristbands are a great idea. What’s worse is, when a bastard reveals he is a bastard and not a nice gay, not only do we feel like shit because they’re a bastard, but we also feel shit because we feel stupid for not realising sooner! x