Oh Facebook. At one point in your existance you were once useful to me. I could keep in touch with people I used to go to school with who I’d drifted apart from and you gave me the opportunity to
stalk make friends with people who I found attractive at college or in the workplace, without being overly obvious….but now my heart belongs to Twitter because it is less full of idiots.
I once read something that compared the two social networking sites, it was something like…
Twitter: making you fall in love with people you’ve never met.
Facebook: making you hate people you know in real life.
With Facebook, if it’s not requests to send nails and horses to people who have nothing better to do with their lives than play Farmville for 8 hours a day, or people asking for lives and tickets to advance a level on Candy Crush – I’m being constantly updated with people who want to gloat about how fabulous their lives are.
Call me a miserable old cynic, but if you have to constantly boast to people on Facebook about how fabulous your life is, it can’t be that fabulous. If it was fabulous you wouldn’t have time to update me (who spends her evening sitting in bed in Bridget Jones pants, hair in a pineapple bun with her face covered in sudcorem) with the latest progressions of what furniture you’ve bought for your new house. And how fabulous your husband is. And that you just had THE MOST FABULOUS pitta bread for tea. And that your child just did such a precious poop in its nappy it almost made you cry. (and that you’re a massive **** ?!?!?!)
If your life was so fabulous you’d be sitting in your new house, eating pitta bread with your husband and cooing at your baby who’s just filled its nappy, but you’re not.
I have one friend on Facebook who seems to think that Facebook is used purely to gloat. She used to be the loveliest girl when we were at school together, but now all her life seems to consist of is how much money she’s got, where shes going on holiday, all of the extravagant gifts that her husband buys her and then there’s the awkward posy photos of them looking SO IN LOVE on all of their weekend expeditions. At least once a month I find my finger hovering over the “unfriend” button and don’ because I’m too much of a wimp to deal with the backlash.
It’s not that I’m bitter (honest) – because I’ve been there. I’ve had the holidays, a new house, a partner who loves me AND fabulous pitta bread – but I never felt the need to share it all over Facebook. Of course I’m happy for my “friends” who are “totes, maj” in love – I’m nothing if not a cheerleader for love, romance and all that happiness, but even I have trouble digesting it when its rammed down my throat and a daily basis (and it all seems so fake) And its not EVERBODY on my timeline, I have people who will put life updates on Facebook and I’m genuinely happy for them, because they’re not morons.
Its THOSE people. Those annoying Facebook boasters who will tag themselves in at “home” (which is named something vom worthy like “Snookums and Boo Boos Love Nest) with their partner and then post pictures of them kissing in matching onesies that causes my stomach to bring up my breakfast in disgust or want to smash my phone against my forehead (as you can tell, this has happened this morning)
Somebody PLEASE pass me a chocolate bar or a large gin before someone starts me on people who flood my timeline with hourly pictures/updates of their child.