After the success of his last “insight into the mind of a man” I want to share with you another insightful and rather amusing post from my resident (for all intents and purposes) male ‘know it all’, Oz. Last time Oz talked us through the different types of men, Know Your Enemy and this time its time for him to take on us girls. Grab a brew or a glass of wine because its a long one (a girl can but hope..), have a read and see which girl category you fall into (I feel as though there should be a bit of a Cosmo style quiz involved)
I’m a combination of 3 – can you guess which ones?
“Girls are like Rubix Cubes – You’ve just got to know the right moves to make”
-A Guy’s Perspective
I kinda don’t wanna write this post – partly because half of you are going to think I’m an arrogant prick and the other half are going to hate me. In fact, you’re all probably going to hate me. And as a guy who, you know, enjoys the company of women, having you all hate me doesn’t sit too well. But Charl is quite convincing when she wants to be (and by convincing I mean scary when she doesn’t get her own way) so here we are. I’m going to rant, I’m going to get mean, and I’m not going sugar coat what I’m trying to say – this is pure unabashful truth like I would share with my mates when discussing women folk. I apologise in advance.
You know that last post I did about all the different types of guys…well there’s one truth that flows through all of them – we’re all looking to hook up with a girl.
Men, we really aren’t that hard to understand. The crux of it, what it all boils down to, is that we want you. We just have different ways of trying to get you. Now the reason we need all these game plans and tactics is because when it comes to hooking up with someone and having sex, girls hold all the cards. Literally. It’s true. Now you’re sitting there thinking ‘what is he talking about’ but let me break it down like this….I like you and I want to get with you – there is literally nothing I can do about it until you let me. Not one thing. Until you decide that you’re going to let me have you I’m stuck. That’s why letting guys chase you is the best course of action, because like a dog chasing that rabbit at the dog track, we have our eyes fixed on the prize and we want it. Once we finally catch it, that’s a whole other story, but in the pre-hook up part you are in charge (assuming he likes you of course – you don’t have magic powers, not all guys are going to fall head over heels over you I’m afraid)
So as a guy we have to put the work in. Come up with a game plan and tactics to try and win you over. The best kind of guys (and by best I mean the ones who are good at this) can also try and work out what kind of girl you are and can adapt his play to best win you over.
Now the thing is, I’m going to list the different types of girls and I guarantee you’ll be sitting there thinking ‘no, he’s so wrong…I’m none of those types’ but take a moment and let me present my argument.
1) You’re wrong.
2) Think of your friends…at least one of them fits one of these types don’t they? And if they do, then you do too. So again, you’re wrong.
Be it on purpose or subconsciously, you are one of these girls:
Girls that make you work for it. They don’t do sleeping around, they are confident in what they want. They know how to flirt and lure a guy in. But the big no no for us as guys, is the big flashing sign above your head that say “I’m looking for a relationship”. The might kiss a guy in the club but nothing else will happen, they want to be taken out on a date and take it slowly. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, but as a guy, if that’s not what I’m looking for I’m going to steer clear.
Aloof Girls (who are secretly Relationship Girls)
Like the relationship girl, except they try to play it cool. This girl goes for the ‘bad guy’ or the ‘unavailable guy’…basically the guy that isn’t looking to settle down. Of course they don’t want a relationship they say. I don’t want to settle down either they say. When actually they’re thinking ‘Hey, I can change this guy’. Little tip, no you can’t. You know if a guy says he’s not looking for a relationship…he’s not playing hard to get, he’s genuinely not looking for a relationship. You can’t change that. And if you do somehow manage to coax him into being with you, he will be cheating on you. 100% he is texting other girls behind your back and hooking up with them when you’re not around. She’ll make out she’s just looking for a fuck buddy, when actually she wants more. It’s hard to spot this girl most times until its too late and she goes all ‘psycho’.
Fairly obvious one this one; the girl that’s recently broken up with her boyfriend. Now she can go one of 2 ways…she can get stupid drunk and pull every guy in the club. Or she can get stupid drunk, pull a guy in the club and then cry. If she broke up with her guy a while back its normally her friends who push her onto guys. I’ve had girls coming to me saying “hey ‘x’ is good looking don’t you think, you guys should talk, I’ll give her your number etc etc”. I think it’s mainly desperate guys that go for the newly broken up girls, because there’s really no point. She’s obviously not in the head space for a new guy and to be fair the last thing she needs is someone else getting in her head. Broken up for a while girls though…that’s the one we would go for. You make them feel special, talk them up, then make a move. Works every time.
Cock teases / Stupid Girls
We hate these girls. Now I’ve split it into two because they’re both kinda the same thing but for two very separate reasons.
Cock teases are those girls who have no intention of getting with a guy, they will just flirt away with one (or several) all night to get themselves free entry, free drinks, a table in VIP, a free taxi home; basically they’re looking for a free ride (and not the good kinda ride). Smart guys can identify them easily and avoid them like the plague. Most guys though fall for it everytime and will happily pay for a girl all night because they think they’re going to get somewhere. They wont. Infact she probably already has a boyfriend. These girls are like strippers who keep their clothes on. Smart though, very smart.
Then there’s stupid girls…I could probably of found a more tactful name to describe them, but it just fits so perfectly. These girls ‘are’ cock teases, but they don’t mean to be, they’re just stupid. They confuse the hell out of me and I hate them. If I find one I try to keep my distance. They don’t want free stuff, for all intent and purposes they legitimately seem to want the guy they’re going after. They flirt, they txt/tweet him, they give all the signs that they’re interested, but then when the guy finally steps up, she runs away! Sometimes literally. It’s like school playground logic and it frustrates the hell out of me! It doesn’t even come with being drunk, because they’ll txt you during the day saying they want you and you should be hooking up, but then never follow through on it. It’s like their friend has stolen their phone and txted for them. These girls just seem scared of going through with anything, which makes absolutely no sense to me. They have a perfect game to be fair, believe me I’ve chased a few myself, but eventually my legs get tired from chasing and I get distracted by flashy neon signs that I’m passing (how good am I with analogies by the way) so I just give up. And for that reason, they’re stupid. We could of had a thing….but you’re an idiot.
Girls Who Are Guys
Not to be confused with ‘easy girls’…these are girls who have managed to separate sex from emotions and know that sex doesn’t always need to be such a big thing. If you’re hungry, you eat. Thirsty, you drink. So if you’re horny…why shouldn’t you have sex? There’s still a lot of stigma attached to this type of girl (I’d argue by boring people who probably haven’t had good sex in their lives) but its 2014 people, a girl can have sex with someone who isn’t her boyfriend, it’s fine. It doesn’t make her a slut and as we’ve established, she isn’t easy. She just appreciates good sex and gets it. She is normally able to sniff out a bullshitter guy (who claims to be great in bed but isn’t) and can avoid the crazies (cling-on’s etc). Friends with benefits, that’s what she’s looking for.
Ahhhh, the easy girl. Now the more astute men know to avoid this one, but I’m not going to lie, I’ve dabbled occasionally. Mainly because, why not? It’s like if someone offers you a free Mars bar…I’d rather have a Twirl or a Malteaser Bunny, but its free, its being offered to me, I could eat, so why not. This girl generally just looks a mess. She downs her drinks, she moves from one guy to the next on the dancefloor. I don’t really know the motivation behind it, but that’s her thing. Standard guys (the ones who rarely pull) are all over her…you’ll see them sucking each other’s faces off in the middle of the club. The sex will be terrible and you’d likely never speak to her again.
This girl is just a nice girl. One of those people not beaten down by the world. Truly believes everyone has good intentions, says what they mean, comes through on their promises and deep down that all people are nice. They believe this because they themselves are actually those people. But unfortunately in the real world they are sitting ducks just waiting to be taken advantage of. I’ve got several female friends who are this person and I’m like the meanest older brother to all of them…judging all the men who they get with, knowing full well how it will end. I try and warn them off but ultimately they end up getting hurt because they don’t listen. These girls are amazing friends and they really do deserve someone great. But men sniff out weakness and take advantage (yes ladies, we’re all dicks), they will sleep with them and not phone them back…be in a relationship with them but be forever cheating on them…or dare I say, occasionally worse. And the girl will take it because she ‘loves him’ or ‘he didn’t mean it’ or ‘it was just this one time, he’s promised me’. Don’t be this girl. Please.
This is the girl who truly believes there is a ‘Mr Right’ out there for her. She watches romantic films and cries when the guy and the girl finally get together. Who truly believe there are some good men out there, they just have to find them. Word to the wise, there’s not. As a guy I tend to avoid these because they become cling-ons, they get emotionally attached, and they are genuinely hurt when it doesn’t all end in the sun setting with us holding hands and the theme tune from ‘it’s a wonderful life’ playing in the background. The truth is you can meet a million guys and there will be problems with all of them, these girls just need a bit of back bone. Not be so open and thereby in such a position to get hurt when he doesn’t call back or the date didn’t go well. There’s nothing wrong with being a romantic, just be realistic with it.
All of the Above
Like the statue Indiana Jones risks his life for in the Temple of Doom, this is what we’re all looking for. Yes, to confuse you all even further, the girl all guys are looking for is kind of a mixture of all of these women. A lady when she needs to be, but a slut when the time calls for it. Someone who won’t be pushed around or walked over, but at the same time trusts her man. Who is confident enough to say what she wants without scaring us off. Makes us chase but occasionally lets us catch. This is the one we’re all looking for. It’s a hard task, but if it was easy to find them it wouldn’t be worth looking.
So these are how we categorize the girls we meet out, then we’ll adapt our approach to best suit what kind of girl she is. For example: “Relationship Girl” – I just haven’t met the right girl yet…can I buy you a drink // “Rebound girl” – he sounds like a bastard, you could do so much better…let me buy you a drink // “Hopeless Romantic” – I’ve just never felt that kind of a connection with a girl before, you know…can I buy you a drink.
So now you know…
Caveat – there’s always a caveat.
This time I’m going to give you a personal caveat. For me, when I’m looking to get with someone it comes down to 2 things (neither of which you can probably do anything about, but it seems relevant). So once I’ve worked out what kind of girl you are, played my lines right, and now have you one on one, this is what it comes down to:
1. The eyes
I’m a firm believer that you can tell a lot about a girl from her eyes. If we’ve been chatting, then have that moment of silence where we’re just looking at each other, I can usually tell at that exact moment if I’m going to make a move or not. For some reason I think the eyes give a lot away…you can tell if there’s more to them than the conversation you’ve had. Mischief is what I’m always looking for, that confident glint in their eye that there’s much more to them than I already know
2. The kiss
Again, this is just me (but the more people I speak to about this, the more people who seem to agree). I’ve made my move and kissed the girl…this is the second time I’ll decide whether I’m going to take it any further or not. I always think a kiss is a great indicator for how they’re going to be in bed. Never have I met anyone who’s great in bed but a terrible kisser or vice versa. If its all tongue and saliva…thank you but no thank you. If its light kisses, tongue flicks and occasional lip biting…my place or yours?
You can follow Oz on Twitter @oz_insatiable (be gentle…or not)