Before we start, let me just say – this post is written entirely with my tongue firmly in my cheek. If you’re offended by sex or crudeness or women talking openly about sex then I suggest you click CLOSE because you may well not like what you’re about to read. If like me you find the whole sex thing a big old hoot and aren’t shy about cracking a couple of sexy puns or throwing the word orgasm, boobs or penis into a sentence for good measure – you’ve come to the right place.
This list started off as banterific messages between friends where myself and a female friend basically told a horrified male friend that in actual fact, a large proportion of the time women hate having sex. He was aghast, said we’d ruined the illusion of nympho women desperate for it day and night. Because I a) don’t know when to stop and b) have a lot of time on my hands, I decided to compile a little list of things that “she really thinks about sex”.
(Sorry mum if you ever read this, I will only ever have sex once or twice to conceive a grandchild for you. Promise.)
If you’re going to hassle me for sex and I have to relentlessly give in, you’re therefore accepting that I’m going to lie there, hate every minute, refuse to orgasm and plan to hold it against you for the rest of the week. Is it really worth it?
Just because I make a comment that Beyonce has a gorgeous body or that I have a crush on Kim Kardashian, it doesn’t mean that I’m opening the floor up to you suggesting we have a threesome. Unless it’s with Beyonce or Kim Kardashian, in this case the answer the answer will always be “DAYUM! YES!”
You know how sometimes we walk in on you looking all flustered and you’ve blatantly been up to no good with yourself? Women do that too. Accept it (and don’t ask to watch it)
The “oops, wrong hole” phrase works once and once only. Learn which is which and make sure that’s the only one you use. If you’re constantly “oops wrong holing” it, I’m going to “oops wrong hole” you with an aubergine… Kapiche?
I know you’re that excited to get your hands on a female form after so much right hand shaking, but please accept that even though you think my thighs look amazing from any angle, I’m still going to stick to the most flattering positions to try and maintain the myth that my legs don’t jiggle like jelly babies on a washing machine.
“Yes yes, right there, don’t stop” is meant to indicate that you’re doing good, tiger – so keep it that way. Don’t suddenly get “cocky” and try some other magic move you’ve seen in a porno, this usual undoes all the stellar work you’ve done thus far.
Having “that” in our hair or on our face…I’ll be honest. We don’t necessarily relish the thought of this. It means make up removal, a good shampooing or god forbid, stinging eyes – porn stars are paid to oblige, of course they’re going to look like they love it.
Again – this is all tongue in cheek. Tongue. In. Cheek. Women love sex really, REALLY.