Summer is sexy right?  So “they” would have you believe.

The hot weather of June and July brings with it an increase in libido. Films like Dirty Dancing  and Johnny and Baby’s slick of sweat fuelled dance routines and “Summer Lovin” from Grease have only added to the ideology that holiday weather = sexy.  When the sun is out, the fruity cocktails are a flowing and there’s more tanned (or not so tanned) skin on view than in a Victoria Secret catalogue, us red blooded folk are expected to get hot under the metaphorical collar.  Speak for yourselves.

Let me bust this myth that hot weather = sexy in a few short minutes for you (sorry guys).

After all, I speak from experience. I once spent two weeks in Greece with a boyfriend and instead of being turned on by being in a foreign country, the foreign language, an abundance of cocktails and the possibility of hot holiday sex, I entered two weeks of celibacy due to the fact that I’d rather spend time lowering my core body temperature than working up more of a sweat.  Especially when it meant moving myself into positions akin to that of the karma sutra positions to avoid both of our sunburned body parts.

When you type the term “summer sex” into Google you’ll be met by a plethora of toned and tanned half dressed couples, frolicking on the beach, a subtle glow of sweat upon their skin and sea salt textured hair.  Pretty much like a scene straight outta Love Island.

What they’re not showing you is the true, sweaty, messy and grim side of summer sex.  Because Newsflash (or should that be, Hot Flash) summer sex isn’t sexy.

Wet, dripping and moist all are very sexy sounding and do wonders for working up some sexual imagery, but when it’s your back that’s wet from sweat, the dripping is perspiration from your forehead or the damp patch in your undies is more from a moist butt crack than how hot he gets you, they don’t seem so sexy any more.

(And I’m not talking that subtle glow of sweat a la Britney in the Slave for You video, I’m talking “must give Dr Christian a call on Embarassing Bodies/gotta use Mitchum extra strength kind of sweat”).

I think I speak for both men and women here (mainly women, I don’t think men would turn down sex ever) but when the temperature is hitting the high 20s there’s only one thing I want to be blown by and it’s a freestanding fan on the highest setting. 

It’s difficult enough when your windows are steamier than the old carriage coach that Leo and Kate bump uglies in in Titanic to even bear to be in contact with the bed. When I spend every 5 minutes turning the pillow in desperate need of a “cold side” it’s very unlikely that I’m going to want somebody with equally as burning hands to lay their hands on my skin. Unless they’re holding an ice cube.

There we go, I broached the subject – icey props for sexual enjoyment. As much as ice cubes, ice cream and the good old ice lolly favourite The Calippo may seem like a cooling answer you’re effectively “spicing up the bedroom” by introducing food into your “love making” but trust me, when you’re living with a film of sweat upon the surface of your skin, there’s nothing more grim than the sticky feeling of sugary orange stickiness upon your pelvic area.   You also risk wet and stickiness on your sheets.

Freshness is next to godliness when it comes to sex (c’mon, it’s the truth!). Getting down to business when the weathers around average temperature is gonna leave you wondering “what the situation is down there” but when faced with the aforementioned sweat situation and the type of heat that could fry an egg on the pavement the last thing you want to be doing is getting your bodily parts out without a good shower (or at least a change of underwear and some baby wipes.  You feel me?)