Where would we be without technology?

Ask most people and their answer would possibly be along the lines of “back in the prehistoric era and living like caveman. Viva technology“. Ask a single person or somebody in the first throws of dating and they’ll answer you with tired eyes, a paranoid twitch and with a sceptical “all knowing” look.

“Back in the day” getting someones phone number meant having to pluck up the courage to call the objection of your affections landline number and having to speak to one of their parents in order to get them on the phone. Phone calls in those days were short but sweet and usually consisted of arranging a time and place to meet as your dad stood with his hands on hips and tapping at his wrist muttering the likes of “we’re not made of bloody money” as you aimed to keep your call under 3 minutes long. “Hello Mrs XXX, please could I speak to XXXX?” you’d say, your voice trembling as you pulled the cord of house phone as far away from prying eyes and ears as you could (my phone calls were usually spent sat on the hallway stairs or hiding in the cupboard under the stairs).

Gone are the days of giving out your landline number (does anyone actually have one of those anymore?) and instead we give out our mobile number, our Twitter handle, our Facebook name, our Snapchat, our KiK ID, our email address…and in doing so we open ourselves up to a whole world of communication. Tweets, “likes”, Whatsapp messages… there’s a million ways to keep in contact with the object of your affections… or not, as the case may sometimes be. In a time where men and women play games such as not replying to someones message for at least half an hour aka “playing hard to get”, technology and smart phones in the majority are quite possibly the devil incarnated for a single soul. I’m fairly certain that there’s a building on a far away island somewhere which houses those who have been driven clinically insane by their smart phone.

The thing is, smartphones aren’t so “smart” after all. Infact, they’re massive grassers. When you had your Nokia 3310 brick you could easily blame not replying to someones text message on not having received it. “Bloody mobile phones” you’d mutter followed by some kind of comment about “texts will never take off”. Owning a smartphone and participating in certains apps or social media platforms make you a target of investigation. Or unwillingly make you indulge in a little harmless stalking.

Take Whatsapp for example. Hands up how many of you have sent a Whatsapp message, not received a reply and have then drove yourself crazy checking the “last online” status of the recipent? “They’ve been online and read my message but they haven’t replied… look, they’re online again… and offline…and back online and still no reply”.  I have a friend who once sent her boyfriend one of those “we need to talk” essay messages to which he didn’t reply because “he hadn’t been near his phone all day” yet she watched him go on and offline for the majority of the day (a real friend, its not one of those lame “I have a friend” stories when it’s actually me).

Facebook has also adopted this “grasser” kind of attitude. The new Facebook messenger tells people when you were “last seen” and also informs the message sender when you’ve read their message. This is bad for two reasons 1) if you’re the sender of the message learning that your message has been read but not replied to can be a little bit disheartening. You can’t really pretend that they got so excited at receiving your message that they died (this has happened to me) 2) if you’re the recipent you may not want your whereabouts or the fact that you’ve read the message broadcast. You can’t pretend “you hardly use Facebook, sorry” because Messenger has already sold you out with having read and ignored it.

Ever wanted to know who someone messages the most? That’d be a pretty handy sell out technique right? Well Snapchat compiles a handy “Top 3” list of a persons most Snapchatted friends. Pretty interesting to see which girl/guy someone is potentially Snapchatting pictures of their nether regions to….or if you’re in my top friends, horrendous no make up selfies, pictures of my dog and whatever food I’m eating.

iMessage user? Then you’ll know what I mean when I say: those. three. dots. Three dots on the screen indicates that your message recipent has started to type. This is a technique also adopted in Whatsapp where the “last online” sell out status is replaced by “typing…” but you haven’t received a message and you’re left wondering ” what were they typing? What were they going to say? Why didn’t they say it? PERHAPS THEY DIED” (but they come back online a minute later and still don’t reply to your message. Rage.) If you’ve sent one of those particulary nerve wracking “hit send and close your eyes until they reply” seeing those tell tale “typing” indicators can lead to a mild heartattack. Believe me.

Lets go back to Facebook. Ah Facebook. Designed initially as a “university campus on the internet” it’s now one of the most used websites on the whole of the internet (after Ginger Girl Says, of course). With the introduction of new newsfeeds and that “ticker” contraption on the right hand side of the page none of your Facebook actions are private anymore. You can’t like a picture or comment on a status without the whole of your friends list being informed. Probably not a good thing if you’re a guy liking a picture of a girl duckfacing her BJ lips, wearing a miniscule skirt and “come f*ck me” heels and your girlfriend sees. Whoops.

Ever sent somebody a message for them to completely ignore it?Yet you continue to see them tweeting and updating their Facebook without a care in the world whilst you sit waiting to see those dots appear in the iMessage or you’re religiously checking their Whatsapp status and chewing your fingernails down to the bone.  “They’ve been online, why haven’t they replied if they’ve got time to tweet? They’re obviously on their phone.  It would only take a couple of seconds to reply.”  Any shred of normality and sanity that you once had begins to vapourise as you fall foul to the techno trap.

Think you’re above any of this? I’m sure you’ve found yourself doing one, if not more of the above on one occasion or another.  I was guilty of the Snapchat one just the other day.

Any techno annoyances that I missed off?