Hello Tinder, my old friend. I’d like to say you seem older, wiser, have gotten better with age somewhat, but i can’t. I mean, it’s not Tinder’s fault, it’s only as good as the people who sign up to it and present company excluded (that’s me and possibly you) sign ups seem to be lacking a little bit in 2019. When I last used Tinder it was the new cool place to be.Think of it as the dating app equivalent of people jumping ship from Facebook to Twitter and then Twitter to Instagram. All of the semi normal people had hopped from Plenty of Fish to Tinder and you could usually go about your swiping business without some guy asking if he could lick peanut butter off your feet.
This time around I think I’m going to have to file a lawsuit against Tinder for the left swiping RSI I’m developing in my left thumb. It’s not that it’s lacking beautiful looking men. If anything, the ever growing trend of hipster bearded men has been kind to (the majority) of inhabitants of Tinder, that’s not where I’m hitting a stumbling block.
I may be a little picky. I’m looking for a guy who has all of his own teeth, a steady job, GSOH, rolls up his shirt sleeves (because I have a thing for a good forearm), knows the difference between “your” and “you’re”, doesn’t leave me on read just to have the upper hand, likes to book spontaneous trips away in the Ryanair sale and won’t judge me for ordering a second bottle of wine (you get the gist) but the following Tinder sins make my lady parts dry up quicker than a leftover pasta bake.
ITS NOT ME, ITS YOUR PICTURES…
Now don’t get me wrong, I think anyone who goes onto a dating site and uploads photos of themselves deserves a damn medal. Putting yourself out there to be judged by your fellow men (or women) is bloody brave BUT I can’t be the only one who swipes left whenever they see any of the following…
Snapchat Filters
Please mate. If you can’t take one decent picture of you without bloody sparkly stars around your head or dog ears then expect me to make like Deborah Meaden and say “Sorry I’m out”. I’m looking for a guy to hang out with, not a guy to take for walkies, clean up their shit at the park and tell them they’re a good boy.
Tongues
Let’s get this straight. Licking your tongue out in a picture is not cute over the age of 5, maybe 6. Especially if you’re a guy. Oh you think it looks sexy and gives me foresight into what you’d look like with your head between me thighs? That’s so… creepy. When it comes to fleshy pink muscles on dating profiles, it’s maybe best that you follow the same rule as pictures of your penis and keep it well and truly where it belongs.
Easy Tiger
Do you know what really turns me on in a man? I’ll tell you. The size of the sedated tiger they can take a photo with whilst on holiday. For real? Nah I’m lying. Put that fish down whilst you’re at it.
Group Shot (As Your Main Image)
Tinder was designed to be super judgemental and shallow, super quickly. I don’t have the time to search through a group shot of you and your lads lads lads on a wild night out and work out which one you might be (let’s face it, you’re usually the not so gifted one.) But y’know, just be upfront with it and own it. Wanna include a picture of you and your pals as a bonus picture, sure thing chicken wing, I don’t want someone who never leaves the house and spends the whole time taking mirror selfies but you get the hint.
Case of the Ex?
Let me say this on behalf of all women (& probably men, tbh). We. Don’t. Want. To. See. A. Photo. Of. You. With. Your. Ex. Even if you’ve gone to the effort of covering her face with an emoji.
Kids
Firstly, don’t put a picture on Tinder of you with a kid in that case. And if you do have a kid, why are you putting a picture of it on Tinder? Firstly, I’m sure your kid is lovely, truly lovely. However, there are some weirdos out there AND I’m tryna choose a guy to hang out/bump uglies with. The last thing I wanna be looking at whilst I make that decision is multiple pictures of your child’s 5th birthday party. If you want me to know you have a child, put it in your bio but your kids cuteness isn’t gonna convince me to swipe right.
Same with your dog/cat/tortoise. And I really like dogs.
& THE BUZZ WORDS THAT TURN ME OFF LIKE A LIGHT SWITCH?
6ft 2
No it’s not REALLY that important but it’s obviously important to you.
Debt free/Home owner.
Great to know that you’ve got your shit together, well done you, Martin Lewis would be proud, but I really don’t care. I think the only girls who are going to care about your debt and mortgage status are the kind that will want you to pay for the first 5 dates and find out your bank balance on the 6th.
Looking for my partner in crime.
Have you ever heard the story of Sid and Nancy? Rose and Fred West. Couples and crimes dont really seem to stand the test of time nor are they particularly attractive. Plus, I hear you only get one chance at a mugshot and I’m an (at least) 10 snaps and a couple of filters kinda gal.
No crazy exes.
We all have exes. Well, if you’re in my age bracket (29-40, FYI) I’d expect you to have a couple and the fact that you have to draw attention to your ex in your dating profiles leads me to believe that things didn’t end too amicably or that maybe you’re the crazy ex. I’m a big believer that a guy who describes an ex as crazy clearly did something to invoke a crazy reaction from an ex only to claim no responsibility when that poor girl loses her shit.
Snapchat/Instagram @mrbigdick69
I’ve got plenty of SC/Insta friends and I sure as hell aren’t going to add you just so you beat your mate @averagedick21 to 500 followers. This is a dating site, not a place to grow your Insta following. If that’s what you’re after I can recommend a site where you can buy 500 bots for same price as a your drive through coffee but it’s a no from me.
Sigh. True. All of it. Can you add something about doing the emotional labour when men can’t be bothered to ask you a single question about yourself?!
It would be interesting to set up a profile as me and a profile with all the above to see what kind of responses they got (if any). It would take some effort – finding a tiger, fish and dog, some stock kids, a crazy ex, growing a few inches, sticking my tongue out. Not to mention installing Snapchat and Tinder on my mobile.
Imagine if I could show all of that in one photo! Then I think I would be a catch.
On a serious note, these kinds of posts are good and guys should read them.