I spent my weekend at a 3 day music festival.  As well as beiing full of music, alcohol and more junk food than Shakira could shake her thang at – it was full of handsome men.  Tall men, short men, hairy men, ginger man, indie men, geeky men… I changed my mind about the most attractive man more times than Beyonce has changed her weave.

My inability to make any kind of conversation with the most attractive man I’ve ever seen led me to think about how I deal with crushes on men, and to also look at and Charl dissect the “universal flirting tips”.

When I find a gentleman attractive, I tend to meander down one of the following paths…

1 – I become typically and overwhelmingly female about it all.  I tug at my hair, pull at my clothes, my cheeks turn red and the cat well and truly gets my tongue.  For example, only today did I send a friend to try and get the phone number of a gentleman I’ve had my eye on.. whilst I sat in the car blushing furiously like a 12 year old at school.

2 – I develop some kind of false confidence/bravado which makes me appear overly keen and somewhat desperate, when infact I’m just trying to “be friendly”.  Overly keen/desperate is never a good look.  Ever.

3 – I give the impression that I absolutely hate said crush by glaring at them, ignoring them, making sarcastic jibes and giving the impression that I would rather have all of my fingernails removed with pliers than be in their company, when infact its quite the opposite.

Scenario 3 is usually my preferred “tactic”, to the point where friends have actually text me pre date to tell me not to be “too sarcastic” or to “smile” and “look like I’m enjoying myself”

According to Google, there are 5 common steps to flirting…

Banter – apparently, men love banter.  A bit of mickey taking, being able to outwit them, some ego and brain challenging can be quite a turn on for the boys.  This is the one where I excel.  I’m the queen of banter, I can banter till the cows go out dancing to moo-sic and then come home.  I even manage to impress even the most banterrific of banterful men with my banter… I just have to overcome my inability to speak to engage in “the banter”.

Body language – Kylie Minogue got it right with her album title.  Flirting successfully requires body language.  Of course there’s the usual “you touching them” body language, affectionately touching their arms or touching their leg with yours if you’re sitting down.  But its also about open body language (and I don’t mean laying back on the bed and spreading it) so steer away from folded arms as it makes you look unapproachable.  Also steer away from punching – even in a playful way, you don’t know if they bruise like a peach and groping never goes down well.

Eye Contact – coy smiles and flirty eyes, being “accidentally” caught looking at someone is a good way to open up the floor to conversation.  If you’ve actually managed to engage in conversation with said person, holding eye contact with them every now, especially on specific points – e.g you’re paying them a compliment or want to appear sincere. 

When I find someone really attractive or have developed an actually crush on them, I tend to lose control of my eyes and general facial expressions.  My brain doesn’t seem to send the “this person is attractive, lure them in baby!” signal down to my face, or it does, but half way there it has a panic attack and instead sends out my “I want you dead” face.  This means my tactical plan of “seduce” massively backfires.  Heard of the “relaxed b!tchface” – thats me, constantly. 

Compliments – what better way to let somebody know you’re interested in them than to point out the reasons why somebody would be interested in them?  Complimenting something physical about them, their smile, their eyes, whether they smell nice – all good.  If you can get a compliment backhanded with a banter filled insult – you’ll win extra brownie points.

Close the deal – this is where you want to channel all of your hard work into something more than a brief conversation.  Making mention of a gig at the weekend or trying to ascertain future plans works, but sometimes that can be too vague and before you know it they’ll be making like Craig David and walking away without so much as leaving you a phone number, their name, or a Twitter handle.  Sometimes a little bit of forwardness is required.  Try and work up the courage to ask someone for their number or offer yours, if you can think of a specific reason why you or they would need to contact you, put it across like that “well if you end up going to that gig, give me your number and I’ll drop you a text with marks out of 10!” – its usually pretty difficult for the prey object of your desire to refuse under these circumstances.

This is where I usually come undone.  If I manage to control my facial expression, wangle in a banter fuelled compliment, touch their arm enough times without looking like I want to rub my face up against their bicep then I usually crash and burn at the “closing” hurdle.  This is why my dabble in sales never came to a fruition.  I’m the sort of person who spends days after the event regretting not having the balls to ask for or hand out my number.

Are there any of the flirting 101’s that you come unstuck on?  Any handy hints to combat my “death stare”, making the first move or clever ways to close without making my hands sweat like nobodies business?

Help a single sister out.