When it comes to sex, getting down to business, shagging, bumping uglies, fucking, whatever you want to call it, we all have great sexpectations and do for as long as we know what sex is. These expectations are usually formed based on what we’ve seen in films, read about in steamy Mills & Boon novels or stumbled upon after “accidentally” clicking on a pop up on a website, honest. For one, sex isn’t all steamy dancing in a chalet with a dance instructor Dirty Dancing style (there’s my fantasy right there), it isn’t always romance, rose petals and post coital cuddling and it definitely isn’t like porn where everything is tort, toned, tanned and waxed. It won’t always go on forever, it may not be in a variety of positions, it might not even be with anyone you particularly fancy. Sometimes sex is as unromantic and as a quick “wham bam, thank ya mam” and he’ll blow all over your belly or it might even be in those 5 minutes when he gets it from football and the scent of pheromones when he’s muddy and sweaty after football drive you wild. It takes all types of sex to make the world go round.
Whatever your sex-Sexpectations, it’s important to remember that when we step into bed with somebody, we open ourselves up (and I’m not just talking our legs) to another person in the most intimate way possible. With this in mind, it’s important that your bedroom environment (or kitchen table, bathroom floor, sofa) ensures that your sexual experience is a positive one,
LAUGHTER
Don’t be afraid to laugh at eachother. No, I don’t mean point and laugh at the way his penis bends slightly to the left, they’re like banana’s in that way, no one is the same, just don’t be afraid to laugh off any kind of awkwardness or allow awkward situations to ruin your experience. The second time I had sex with my boyfriend, he misjudged the proximity of my *cough* holes *coughs* and accidentally entered the wrong one. Are you cringing? Our eyes met for the briefest of seconds and after a fleeting look of terror, we laughed uncontrollably for about 5 minutes before we carried on with the business. That moment completely broke the ice between us and made what could have been an embarrassing sex tale in a magazine into something we still laugh about today.
COMMUNICATION
When you think about sex you think the biggest issue you’ll come across is feeling uncomfortable with ya thighs jingling around, the possibility of getting pregnant, his penis bending dramatically to the left like a banana, him not being able to get it up or catching an STI. Gross. I was allergic to my boyfriends semen. Nope, I’m not joking. Furthermore, because my ex didn’t “enjoy” the feel of condoms and because I was too embarrassed to say “hey buddy, your sperm inflames my vagina” I suffered from burning post coital vaginal pain for almost four years because we obviously couldn’t communicate with one another. Every time we got down to business he’d go to sleep with empty balls and I would excuse myself for a cold bath and cystitis tablets washed down with glasses of cranberry juice until the burning went away. Communication is key to a positive bedroom environment, say your boyfriend suffers from erectile dysfunction, would you just ignore the pink unthrobbing penis in the room and resign yourself to a life of orgasms courtesy of Duracell or would you say “maybe you might wanna pop over to Europa Pharamacy to get something for that limpness”. Seriously, pillow talk can have its plus points.
O-NO
Accept that you’re not always going to end the session with When Harry Met Sally style panting, squirming and screaming. Sometimes you might not even come anywhere close to, well, coming. According to statistics, as many as 1 in 3 women have trouble reaching orgasm when having sex and as many as 80 percent of women have difficulty with achieving the unadulterated bliss of an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Sometimes you might want to land him a hand to offer some clitoral stimulation or accept that it isn’t always the winning, it’s the taking part that counts. Don’t be afraid to tell him if it’s just not working for you, you don’t want to wind up with friction burn afterall, but DO let him know that it’s not a big deal. Unless of course he’s rubbing completely in the wrong area and is closer to curing world peace than finding your G spot.
SELF LOVE
No, not that kind. If you’re in the situation that you’re moments away from consensual penetration, it’s pretty likely that you find one another attractive. Chances are that he’s not going to be looking at the cellulite on your thighs, whether your boobs are saggy or lopsided, if you’ve had time to wax your bikini line or if your arse is jiggling 100 miles an hour whilst he’s going at your from behind. It’s time you quit feeling self conscious and slipping under the covers like a ninja once you’ve turned the light off and embrace your body in all its glory and begin to accept that you’re a goddess with a man just where you want him, between your legs.
TRY-SEXUAL
Don’t be too uptight and write off sexual experiences just because you’ve never tried it before, especially with a new sexual partner. Just because you’ve never partaken in a sex activity that your bed buddy has suggested doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily something that you won’t enjoy OR want to try again, and again, and again. If our ancestors before us had stuck to the first position they found there’d be no reverse cowgirl, snowballing, 69ers or butter churning and the Rampant Rabbit would be nothing more than Thumper OD-ing on carrots past his bedtime. I’m not saying go from Sandra Dee in Grease to straddling a chained up foot-worshipper whilst clad top to toe in PVC and 10 inch heels in 60 seconds flat, but if it’s something that you’re not completely adverse to, it won’t weird you out entirely, put you off them for life or y’know, hurt you, you might as well see what all the foot is about. I mean fuss.
This is a collaborative post but as always, all views are my own.
Outstanding article! Love the honesty and openness; far too many people these days ‘closed down’ and missing out on the genuine fun, laughter and enjoyment of sex. Thanks!!