It could be a sound, a face, a bodily fluid issue… Whatever it is it’s enough to make you stop in the throws of passion and you want to die.  Okay, maybe a little extreme, but we’ve all had one of those moments you usually read about in a particularly cringe Buzzfeed article.  The kind where you want to hide under the duvet and not come out until our grindy partner has left the building or y’know, developed selective amnesia.

The trick to dealing with embarassing sex moments?  Laugh it off and realise that it happens to everybody.  Nobody is safe from the odd noise escapage.

Long term relationships are pretty much free of those embarrassing sex moments.  Comfortableness and familiarity means you develop the ability to laugh at yourself and so those embarrassing moments become a distant memory but I get that those first few cringe moments with a new person can play on your mind for the rest of the day (or year), when you’re in the queue in Starbz or mid conversation with your boss.

I had an experience recently that made me want to do exactly this.  Whilst I was cringing,  wondering if he’d noticed and wondering what you have to do to enter witness protection, dya know what he did?  He laughed and carried on.  He didn’t stop, pull on his pants, leave and never text again because it was totally human and it was funny (in retrospect).

And he still had a naked girl in his bed.

Just like Sarah Michelle Gellar said in Cruel Intentions, everybody does it, it’s just that nobody talks about it.  Yep, you might confide in your best gal pal after the event and swear her to secrecy but its highly likely that’s the kinda info you’ll take to the grave with you.We’re human, shit happens, we embarrass ourselves on a daily basis so here’s some of the embarrassing if not cringingly awkward things that can (and most probably will) happen whilst you’re having sex.

Getting Undressed Isn’t Always Sexy

You’d be forgiven for thinking that stripping off in front of someone is sexy.  Bras always come off easily, shirts behave, knickers don’t get tangled around your ankle and skinny jeans come off without any trouble at all.  In reality, you’re probably jiggling your way outta your super skinnies, he’s struggling with the bra clasp, your head gets stuck in your t-shirt, you just can’t get your knickers over your foot, none of those are particularly sexy but hey, you’re naked now.  Does it matter?

Gag Reflex

In my experience, guys love a bit of gagging.  It rubs their ego to think that they’re that well endowed that their meat sword has physically made you choke and I’ll be honest, on occasion I’ve played up to it.  On the other hand (usually when drunk) I have been known to ignore my gag reflex, push myself a little too far and almost brought up my dinner.  There was one time when I actually did but the less said about that the better.  Listen to your reflex ladies, it’s got your best interests at heart.

Bodily Noises

Whether it’s queefing, farting, the slapping noise from bellies, thighs or balls moving vigoursly, our bodies are a playground of sounds during sex.  There’s air going in and coming out at rapid time, you’re totally forgiven.    Speaking of noises, Can we talk about that SQUELCH sound?  Y’know the one, it sounds like you’re walking in mud with wellies on.  A little bit embarrassing?  Sure.  The fact that he’s made you so wet that you make that noise?  Fantastic.

Unexpected Flo

I don’t know about you, but all that jiggery pokery can actually bring on my period and its a well known fact that gals can be more up for sex when they’re due, so its understandable that at some point, Flo is gonna make things into three way.  It’s not ideal, for either of you if you’re not expecting it.  No one wants to look like a scene from Carrie, especially when they’re feeling sexy (maybe Hannibal Lecter?) but it’s not the end of the world, it’s biology.

(May I also suggest not having sex with any guy who is either really awkward when talking about periods or freaked out by them).

A No-Ner

Friends got it wrong.  Just so you know, it’s is that common. It can happen to every guy. And it’s not a big deal.  Maybe he’s had too much to drink, maybe he’s feeling the pressure, maybe there’s an underlying issue… it doesn’t really matter.  It’s not a reflection of how turned on (or otherwise) he is so try not to take it to heart.  Use the opportunity to let him go to town on you for a while and take the focus off of him, bring it up (pardon the pun) will only make the situation worse.

He Can’t Get It In

It’s either a weird position, you’re just not lubricated enough down there or he’s struggling to guide his way in.  Whatever the sitch, it’s awkward.  There’s a lot of jabbing, “thumbing” and if he’s really taking his time, it can be a little bit uncomfortable.  Don’t sweat it.  Suggest a little lube to slide things along nicely, you can offer him a helping hand or just switch to a position where you know it’s just gonna slide in.

Be Oral About Orgasms

Orgasms are fucking fantastic, let’s be honest about that.  But they’re also unpredictable and can be a point of real sexual awkwardness.  It’s either happening too soon or you just can’t quite get there.  Communication is key.  If you’ve got the sneaking suspicion its gonna happen too soon, you can both slow down.  Feel like it’s not gonna happen?  Let them know so they’re either not wasting their time or you can guide your hand… or your own.

Toilet Troubles

I’m going there.  Poop and pee in the bedroom (unless you’re into it) isn’t a situation that anyone wants to deal with but sometimes, it can happen.  It’s also something you can foreshadow.  Need to pee?  Pee before sex.  Need to pee during?  Excuse yourself and pee.  He’ll probably appreciate the break to get his breath back rather than unwittingly enter golden showers territory.  Gonna have fun with anal?  I wanna use the term “clean that shit up” but it seems too obvious. I’m using it.  Clean that shit up and you’ll have nothing to worry about.

OOPS! Wrong Hole

There’s not much room for manoeuvre down there, especially when you’re in the throws of passion, so from time to time his aim may not be fantastic and he may misinterpret one opening for another.  If you’re into that (good on you) you may need a little more prep to make sure things go smoothly but if he’s on his way to Butt Town and you’re not about that (also good on you), a quick readjustment will set him on the right path.

Dripping Wet

(And I don’t mean just the vagina)  Sex is a workout for both of you so sweat is kind of a given, it’s nothing be ashamed about.  It could be a light glisten on the skin that makes you glow like JLo or you could have full on neck, back and.. well sweat like you’ve done a heavy spin session.

The Finisher

We’re both aware working to an outcome, thats kind of a given but when the moment comes (smart choice of words there, Charl) it can get a little…messy.  Especially when it gets everywhere.  Like your belly, back, hum, hair… er.. your eyes and there’s nothing quite as cringe as remembering that awkward waddle to the loo post sex or mopping up the aftermath with the strategically placed toilet roll.