Okay, terrified may not be the word, but first time sex with someone new can be one of the most nerve-racking situations you can find yourself in, bar any kind of public speaking, especially if you’ve been off the scene for a while.

Feeling like they’re going to judge your body (they won’t), that they’ll think you’re rubbish (you’re not) and that they won’t call the morning after (it’s very unlikely) are all valid ‘in your head’ reasons for you to forget that sex is bloody great and build this up to be bigger than it should.

So how can you make your first sexual experience together less “oh my god I’m never doing that again” and more “OMG when’s round two?”

Don’t rush straight into it

I know, I know.  Sometimes you wanna just rush straight to the main event, get that first time over and done with, but never underestimate the power of a great make out sesh to help you relax into it and build some sexy tension.  I’m not just talking about rediscovering how good it is to just kiss, but taking time with foreplay means you get to explore what gets the other person aroused.

Don’t expect too much

Do you know how many times people have had mind-blowingly, absolutely perfect, would use it in a montage of 10/10 sex moments with someone new?  I don’t have an exact number for you but it very rarely happens.  Don’t go in with great sexpectations of multiple orgasms, seamless position changes or everything to run perfectly.  It doesn’t mean either of you did anything particularly wrong or that your sexual relationship is doomed4lyf, it’s all part of getting to know someone new, what makes them tick and vice versa.

Communicate

I’m a big believer that communication in any situation is key.   If there’s a particular issue about the impending jiggy jiggy thats making you anxious, bring it up beforehand. For me, I always find the contraception chat a bit awkward but you don’t want to wait till those crucial moments to discover that neither of you are prepared with protection.  Nothing kills a sexy sitch quite like a discussion about whether or not you’re on the pill or how normal condoms mean you have to spend an hour post coital in a cold bath (yep, thats me).   Avoid any awkward over-the-erect-penis chats by being upfront beforehand.  Yep, it may be equally as awkward but it means you can both show up confident that you’re happy & protected.

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want

… or offer a guiding hand, so to speak.  It’s easy to lay back and grin and bear it for the sake of not rocking the boat or feeling too up front with a new sexual partner.  They might think they’re rocking your world with their oral skillz and you may be pulling out the BJ tricks that have never failed you before, but truth is that everybody is different.  If it’s not quite working for you or all that hard work would go to better use elsewhere, then tell them, they’ll probably appreciate it and your orgasm will probably come quicker.

Do something that makes you feel confident

…& I don’t mean downing an entire bottle of Chardonnay (altho, if thats your bag, make sure its a decent bottle so that your head hitting the headboard is the only reason you wake up with a banging headache the next day).  Listen to some music that makes you feel like a Queen, get yourself glammed up, wear a banging set of underwear that makes YOU feel sexy, a spray of your favourite perfume…whatever it is that makes you feel like you at your most confident, do it.  When you’re more relaxed and at ease with yourself, you’re less likely to be hung up on what you look like and in turn, your relaxed state will make them feel more relaxed in turn.

Don’t take it too seriously

Sex between two consenting adults should be fun.  It should get your heartbeat racing, blood rushing to the right places, and cause all that oxytocin and vasopressin to be rushing around.   That isn’t going to happen if you’re in your head worrying about every little thing or putting too much pressure on the situation.  Sex is about synchronicity and if you’re doing it with someone for the first time, that lack of connection means that mistakes can (& probably will) happen.  It may not be the done thing to laugh when your partner is getting starkers, but having a giggle between the two of you during those moments is one way to put you on level footing and make things fun again.

Keep things simple

He might have told you about his role play fantasy or you may have discussed that weird thing that you like having done, but the first time isn’t always the time or place to jump in the deep hand with your deepest darkest kinks or work out the logistics of getting down to business in a public place.   Try a risk free setting for peace of mind for the both of you, the bed, couch, floor, back seat of a car (if you’re struggling) and up the ante on your 2nd, 3rd, 4th encounters.  Getting a baseline for compatibility sexually speaking is critical before you start throwing new components into the mix.