Being single has both its positive and negative points. One of the negative points for me is that if you’re single at a certain age, you’re viewed as being the panther of this dating circle of which we call life. After releasing our latest conquest from our claws, we must be instantly on the prowl for fresh meat. Its assumed that because we’re single, we’ll be interested in every single man with a pulse: be it taken, married, single, gay or completely and utterly weird – because being single obviously equals being sad, alone and desperate for anybody and everything we can get.
More often than not, I tend to find that the decent men of my age group have been long since snapped up, and are in serious relationships/married and have children or “one on the way” *insert excited parent grin* This happens mostly when I bump into men I used to go to school with with their wife/girlfriend and we do the awkward “what are you doing with yourself? Are you married/kids?” and I respond, “ah no, recently broken up with somebody, living on my own – I’m loving it be fair” and I get this pitying look from him as though I’m trying to convince myself that I’m happy being single. His girlfriend/wife on the otherhand is sizing me up, her lip curling as if she’s about to growl like a rabid dog and subsequently squash me like a bug. I can almost imagine her racing home to check whether we’re friends on Facebooks and see if she can find any of his status’ I may have commented on in the hopes of snaring him with my crafty single persons hands…
Seen the film The Women? Where Eva Mendes plays the spritzer bitch from the department store who”s having an affair with Mary’s husband? Sexy, sultry, bitchy, seductress Eva – that’s what we’re viewed as being. Married women, fear not.. I have a secret for you (single and hot men who may be interested in dating me, look away now…)
There are the men who observe you as some black widow, femme fatale figure who’s about to entice them into her web and devour them whole. Upon this meeting, there’s this awkward half smile, excessive perspiration and mumblings of “I have a girlfriend” or “uh, I’m married” often occur. That’s lovely for you and thanks for clearing it up, but we’re standing in the queue at Tesco and I’m making polite conversation about Tetley tea bags being on Buy 1 Get 1 Free. I haven’t subtly undone my top button to reveal a hint of cleavage to try and seduce you nor I have I offered to show your my tea bagging technique. Calm down, you’re safe.
And then there are the dirt bag men who think that liking it and putting a ring on it means nothing. There’s nothing more disheartening than a guy putting the moves on you on a night out, only to swap phone numbers/Facebook profiles to find that theirs says that they’re “In a Relationship” – or even better… “It’s Complicated”….
(….Is it complicated because last night you had your tongue in my mouth and you’ve been texting me all day saying how much you’d like to see me again, or because you’re ultimately an asshole?)
Sometimes there may be instances when I have liked a guy who’s had a girlfriend. For example, there’s a man that I work with who I have enjoyed some corridor flirting with, a few innuendo laced chats while making a cup of tea who I’ve developed a bit of a crush on, only to then discover that he has a girlfriend.
When this happens, and somebody develops a thing for you when you know you’re off the market, there is never an easy time to tell somebody that you’re seeing somebody. It’s pretty god damn awkward – especially if a bit of innocent and friendly flirting appears to have escalated. This is best done with tact, kid gloves and complete honesty I find. You want to lay your cards on the table but without taking a metaphorical piss on somebodies bonfire.
There is a way to do the polar opposite of Paddy McGuiness’ “Take Me Out” line “single man, reveal yourself!” and do an “unavailable man, reveal yourself!” spiel, and its neither of the below:
In bed. I was once advised by a “gentleman” (I use this term very, very loosely) during the throws of passion, (or should that be, during a drunken fumble) that he had a girlfriend. After clarifying on numerous occasions throughout the evening that he was indeed single, the “you’re so much hotter than my girlfriend” line can be a bit of a passion killer. Suffice to say that dalliance ended pretty abruptly.
Subtle hinting. I once got informed of a man’s newly acquired relationship status by him dropping into conversation he’d spent “the whole weekend with a girl” and that he had “met the parents” . Via text. Suffice to say it took me a few minutes to piece together the pieces of this jigsaw, and wondering whether I had been in a month long coma and missed a whole chunk of something before it dawned on me that he was trying to very unsubtly tell me that he had in fact acquired a new girlfriend. This left me even more dumbfounded as only the day before the “parent meeting guy” had spent the afternoon sending graphic pictures of his manhood to me. Awkward to say the least (and gutting).
Why do I think it’s fun being single, remind me?
I personally think people should be made to wear coloured wristbands, like green for single, amber for dating/kind of seeing someone and red for I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND/WIFE DON’T DEVELOP A CRUSH ON ME – this would cut out some of the awkwardness.