I know I was trying to be all “independent woman Destinys Child yo” and “I don’t need no man to be happy” *sucks teeth* – but its the day before Valentines, I’m single, everybody who has a Valentine is all “we’re so in love and fyou have nothing, your life is rubbish and you’re going to spend Valentines night alone and watching a movie, getting drunk of a bottle of Gallo and eating Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food, thus making you fatter and even more undesireable” (okay, maybe thats my subconcious and they just said “we’re going out for a meal tomorrow night, what are you up to?”) but for a second, I faltered and all of these thoughts spun through my little head and made me want to set fire to the Valentines displays in Tesco.

…So I’m going to do what I do best and be a little bit sarcastic and negative in the hopes that it will make somebody chuckle.

1, Getting into bed alone, with no snuggles, no spooning, no kisses. Just me and a freezing cold bed and an hours worth of scrolling through Twitter/watching YouTube tutorials/listening to Taylor Swift. SCORE.

2, Love songs. Over the last week, each time I’ve iTunes on shuffle it decides it wants to push me over the edge. ITUNES WHY YOU NO LIKE ME? There’s only so many times I can listen to Little Things by One Direction and sob “no one will ever write a song like that about me.” (so far I’ve done it 36 times)

3, CHICK FLICKS. Life isn’t like the movies. Things don’t work like that, the hot guy doesn’t fall for the nerd, he doesn’t give up everything for the girl, HE WON’T CLIMB UP FIRE ESCAPES WITH A BUNCH OF FLOWERS EVEN THOUGH HE’S TERRIFIED OF HEIGHTS JUST TO KISS YOU. (Richard Gere is a lying a$$hole)

4, Not having to defuzz. When you don’t really have a reason to shave your legs/attend to your bikini line (other than for self respect reasons – obviously) you know sh!t is getting bad.

5, Underwear. See number 4. NOBODY WILL CARE IF MY KNICKERS AND BRA DON’T MATCH.

6, The looks. If you’re single you’ll know what I’m talking about. Those pitying looks from “happy” people you know you’ll get when you’re either in Tesco buying a meal (for one) or at the take away ordering a Special Chow Mein (for one). “Oh look at her, she’s obviously single, poor cow. Nobody to take her out for a romantic meal or no one to cook for her. She’ll die alone.” *insert pitying smile here*

7, The anticipation and subsequent disappointment. Cos lets face it, even though on the surface you’re all woop woop Independent Woman – come the 14th you know I’m going to be waiting by my letterbox like a hungry dog for the postman, only for him to deliver me a gas bill and another letter for someone who lived at the address 30 years ago.

8, If you happen to have someone that you would LIKE to send a Valentines card to – there’s all kinds of Valentines etiquette to follow. After what amount of time is it acceptable to send a Valentines card? Is it considered lame or sweet? If you do decide to send the card then you have to admit that you remember that persons address DESPITE them only telling you it once. It’s all a big fat load of confusion.

9, Facebook and Twitter timelines. On the 14th February when I’m sitting at home alone in my PJs, listening to Celine Dion “All By Myself” – I’m going to be turning to either of these social platforms for entertainment and companionship. What I’m going to be greeted with is photos of flowers, chocolates & gushy declarations of love. Congratulations, but I’m way too fragile for that sort of thing.

10, As if all of the above aren’t bad enough, I’ll probably receive a Valentines card from a family member I probably won’t even get a Valentines card from a family member.