LIFE || The Pitfalls of Stalking


Before we start, lets point out that the word “stalk” is not being used in a derogrative way.  It’s highly unlikely that you go black ops at night to stalk IRL, complete with binocliars, mobile phone tapping device and a discreet but long angled lens camera.  But in this case in point, “stalking” refers to having a high social interest of a particular indiviudal.

Lets not beat about the bush – we all innocently stalk.  At the end of The Social Network we’re shown Zuckerberg using his own creation to stalk his ex girlfriend, so its allowed.  Whether you want to call it stalking or taking a social interest, I’ll put my favourite lipstick on in that if you have a Facebook account you have at some point searched someones name without the intention of adding  them once you find them.  Snoop, stalk, nose.  I, for example, have an ex “thing” who  was once upon a time the bees knees to me.  He played football, the guitar, he turned my legs to jelly (and because of this I made the biggest fool out of myself over him).  He turned out to be a massive a$$hole.  C’est la Vie.  When I’m feeling a little bit down about my single status I’ll go and search for his profile.  But here’s the big surprise – I don’t go and search to look all doe-eyed at his profile picture whilst I listen to Taylor Swift and cry into an old jumper of his.  B!tch please.  I search his profile so I can howl at how age has treated him (not well) and also to guffaw at how much his two children resemble Angry Birds and his latest girlfriend one of the pigs.  This isn’t jealousy or bitterness, this is what is called “knowing what you could have had, and liking what you have now better”.  (I know that sounds particularly judgemental of me, but I feel I have earnt the right to mock him openly).

Stalking can however have it’s downfalls.  There are several reasons why its probably not a good idea to Facebook stalk your ex OR a potential suitor.  Want a couple of them?

Touchscreen phones can be tricky little monkeys.  One minute you’re innocently trying to scope out which parts of someones profile you can get onto without being friends, the next minute the “Add Friend” or “Follow” button changes to “Friend Request Sent” or “Following” due to the ubersensitivy of this goddamn technology.  You’re morified, so much so that you almost wish you had the clunkiness of a Nokia 3310 and Snake back in your life with no internet connection.  You can of course cancel the request but that isn’t going to hide the tell tale notification email they’ll recieve which basically screams “IVE BEEN STALKING YOU”.  Smooth.

I’m pretty much the most privacy setting anally retentive person ever.  You can see my profile picture (complete with duck pout and buckets of sass) but you ain’t getting your eyes on my FB wares without so much as a friend request and a cupcake.  That aside, I love the laid back privacy setting type people amongst us who leave their profile out there for the entire world to see.  A scroll through an exes/crushes profile or holiday photos is simply being nosey, but again, technology can be tempermental and there’s really no amount of explaining that can repair the fact that you “liked” a picture of him looking doe eyed at another girl.  Awkward.

Ever heard the saying “curiosity killed the cat”?  More often than not you’re going to be having a stalk to find satisfy an inkling you may have or to answer a question thats playing on your mind.  Does he have a new girlfriend?/ Is he still friends with his ex?/Was his ex pretty? Whatever the question, however insignificant or batsh!t crazy, the harder you look the more likely it is that you’re going to find the answer and its going to be the one that you didn’t want.  Yes he has a new girlfriend and she’s one of those girls who could wear a bin bag and still look good.  Yes, he’s still friends with his ex and they comment on eachothers status’ constantly.  Yes, his ex has LEGS UP TO HERE, a waist Dita Von Teese would be jealous of and she’s hot.

You’re never end up getting over an ex if you’re constantly typing their name or Twitter handle in and scrolling through his updates, looking at their pictures and being mentally involved in their life EVEN IF THEY DON’T KNOW IT.  I’ve always been of the opinion that to get over someone they need to cease to exist so this daily ritual of watching their life in pictures and feeling them forget you is more like a torture mechanism.

“Oh yeah, I saw that on Facebook/Twitter” – this sentence is going to slip out at some point whether you like it or not and if you aren’t following them on Twitter or you aren’t friends with them on Facebook you’re more or less being caught stalking red handed.

I’ve been guilty of being caught stalking, I’m sure we all have because it’s in human nature to be curious/nosey.  I once accidentally “favourited” the tweet of a girl (who I didn’t follow) where she tweeted somebody else to say that my crush of the time (and her new boyfriend) was acting like an a$$hole and they weren’t talking.  To say that I’ve never unfavourited a tweet as quick in my life before would be an understatement.  Suffice to say I learnt my lesson… somewhat.

Share with me your embarassing stalking stories, after all, they’re like bumholes……we all have them!

  • An ex of my other half had found me on instagram but of course we had to double check it was her so look on HER instagram and browse her photos – I knew her name but not really what she looked like – when hubby double clicked on a pic to check, it obv came up I had ‘liked’ it!!!!! CRINGE. He found it hilarious!!! xx

  • lisasweiback

    I loved this post! So true and I am SO guilty of this! Whether its an ex friend or more often an ex, I cant help but give a good scroll every now and again. One time an ex posted that he was going to some concert. I was sort of interest in seeing him and going so I egged him on to go. So I went. I posted FB that I was there and having a ”great time”. Well he never showed and i’m pretty sure he put 2 and 2 together. Cringe!

  • I wanted to leave a comment on your pof post, but I am a doofus and couldn’t find a comment form! Anyway, wanted to say I love it, and it is indeed plenty of freaks! I am trying out dating online and it is so odd. Thanks for your awesome blog and funny posts :)

  • Haha, we have all done those things. That awkward moment when you like a picture on Instagram posted 45 weeks ago.. btw, your blog is amazing! x

  • Oh lord, I can relate to ALL of this. The things we do!! Dont even get me started on “my friend’s” borderline pyschotic attempts to find ‘dream-man-from-the-bar-last-night’ on Facebook only knowing that he was ‘Dave from Birmingham’. The good news is he was found, only about 300 results later…

  • The Xenca Way- Suzie (@WhyCollagen)

    So guilty of this – your post really made me smile – thanks

  • Holly

    Omg I loveee this!!
    I’ve been there soooo many times, only the other week I was on the other end of this! A guy I know and speak to a lot accidentally tagged himself in one of my facey-b profile pictures…and he’s normally so ‘cool’ and macho about things, ha! Needless to say, I couldn’t resist screen shotting the notification and sending it him, calling him out on his little stalking session haha, he literally had no defence…it was fun ;) xx

  • Charl! You are my new favourite. Absolute favourite. I laughed out loud and identified with this throughout. I’m a fabulous stalker in my opinion, I’m let down only my man hands when trying to zoom in on Instagram pictures… When will I learn you can’t zoom in (unless you screen shot first) and that zoom attempts only result in a big fat Instagram LIKE! *world crumbles in shame and dies*

    Anyway I just want you to know I might start stalking you now. Hope that’s ok? :)

    Love Kate xx