LIFE || Phone Apps For the Single Ladies (& Men)

Some of my favourite evenings are when I throw on an oversized tshirt, switch on my laptop and use the world wide web to Skype the lovey Hannah. Skype chats with Hannah are a regular occurance. These chats range from talking about food and dresses, the occasional nipple flashes from Hannah and of course… we talk about boys. There’s nothing better than a bit of girl talk with one of your best gal pals to make the object of your affections (or disdains) ears burn so much that they spontaneously combust.

We decided to go all Zuckerberg meets Dragons Den and came up with two apps that every single girl needs on her smart phone. Actually, scratch that, I’ve no time for sexism over here on GGS, or relationship statusism… these are two apps that anybody needs on their smart phone (probably not “everybody”, I can’t imagine The Queen using these). Forget Instagram, Snapchat, Foursquare and Flappy Bird – these are the two new apps that would earn big $$$$ and have people selling their iPhones on eBay for crazy money when we eventually withdraw them from the app stores because we can’t handle all of the amazing attention it brings (and we can’t spend the money quick enough).

image

Drunken Text Blocker: You know when you’ve had one two many drinks, you’re using the bar to hold you upright and you’re one eyeing your phone until it becomes one cohesive blur? Well thats most definitely not the best time to start texting your crush. I know that some people say that “you say what you really mean when you’re drunk” and to an extent, I think is true. Reason being: when you’re drunk you grow balls the size of an elephants. BUT, misspelled words and over the top declarations at 3am when they’re in bed trying to sleep are not the most charming. I’ve been on the receiving end once or twice and instead of feeling like “I’m the person on their mind when their brain can’t even function correctly” I actually hope they wake up in a puddle of their own sick for interrupting my beauty sleep.

What about an app which tests you to see if you’re drunk to send the message you’ve painstakingly tried to write despite your blood levels being made up mainly of alcohol and “idiot”.

Possible “test” ideas include:

  • Having to correctly enter a password 5 consecutive times before the message will send. 1 failed attempt at any of the 5 times and the message gets destroyed.
  • An intricate maze of puzzles and tests which test whether your brain is sober enough to make life changing decisions or if its swimming in Sambuca. Kind of a mental “walk in a straight line and recite the alphabet backwards” kind of thing.  Infact, typing the alphabet backwards using your keypad would be a brilliant idea.
  • (this is my favourite) you nominate a friend who knows your deepest darkest secrets and doesn’t judge. You also nominate a time that you expect to be at the point of no drunken return from. After that nominated time any text messages you send will be sent to your nominated friend to authorise or decline as being sent on your behalf. You need to make sure you trust this friend not to hit authorise on the most cringiest of messages though.

image“I’ve text him 73 times in the last day and a half and he hasn’t replied, do you think he’s gone off me?” – “No, he’s probably not look at his phone yet, he’ll reply.  Maybe.”

Double Text Blocker – I was talking to a MALE friend the other day (proving that its not only women who turn abit cray when it comes to dating) who said that his biggest downfall when it comes to dating/”courting” and girls is text messaging/communication.

Anybody who’s dated in the modern world of technology knows that there’s an unwritten double/triple/quadruple messaging “nono” law which states that if you don’t receive a reply to the last message you send to a crush type person, you MUST NOT message again for fear of looking a little needy. There’s nothing more cringe than to look over an iMessage conversation and see a sea of blue messages from you interjected occasionally with silver one liners. Itchy fingers means that sometimes you just can’t help yourself, and despite declaring that “I’m not going to text them! They know where I am! They can text me first for once”, a day spent snarling each time you receive a text from someone other than them can lead you to succumbing and sending the “How was your day? x” message. YOU’RE WEAK.  Within seconds you hate yourself for caving. It’s like being on a diet and for a moment that deliciously creamy and overly sugary cake tastes amazing but as soon as its gone you realise that cream cakes won’t give you hips like Shakira and regret plagues you.

I’ve had friends who have completely deleted a persons phone number to try and remove the temptation or ability for them to send another tex. After all, there’s nothing more annoying than being the first one to make any kind of effort or contact, especially if you’ve already sent 2 messages and they’re not replying.

To avoid such drastic measures as deleting half of your phone book, how about an app for those people who have little or zero self control/patience when it comes to itchy texting fingers. It gives you the option to block your phone from sending messages to them BUT it allows you to reply to messages which you receive. Once. There is of course the option like the drunk texting app where you have a friend who authorises texts sent to a particular person so you don’t make the mistake over doubling/triple/quadruple/octuple texting. That’s practically dating suicide.

All I need now is someone who’s a whizz with technology/coding apps to do the hard part and I’ll start thinking of some fun adverts and advertising campaigns.

I wonder if anyone from Mark Zuckerbergs team is available to help or do you think they’re too busy breaking Whatsapp?

  • Louise

    Haha I love this! I 100% agree with the feelings that come along with caving and sending a double text. You do it feeling all blase, but as soon as it sends you just feel like absolute shit for giving in.

    I do the number deleting thing. Sure, it takes me a while, but if it gets to a point where I think the guy isn’t showing much interest and I’m going to drunk text him, I delete the number but write the last 3/4 digits in my notes, so if he does text I know who it is (but obviously claim I have no idea so he knows I deleted my number).

    xx