LIFE || Great Sexpectations


Sex isn’t always all its made out to be, we all have great sexpectations.  For one it isn’t Dirty Dancing style slow dancing beforehand to build up the electric tension, it isn’t romance and rose petals and it isn’t like porn where where everything is tort, toned and tanned where it goes on for hours in a variety of positions where he always finishes, she always finishes.  Sometimes it’s as unromantic and “special” as a quick “wham bam, thank ya mam” before you have your tea or before he goes out to football.  Your mum might call for an hour whinge straight after you’ve finished or he might jump straight back on the Xbox to finish his season or tournament or whatever they do on Fifa 15.


Here’s one for you try on.  When you think about sex you think the biggest issues you’ll come across is feeling uncomfortable with ya thighs jingling around, the possibility of getting pregnant or god, even catching a dreaded STI.  But imagine being allergic to semen.  And not only semen, being allergic to latex.  This happened to a friend of mine (and by “friend” I actually mean me).  What says “you’re not compatible with your boyfriend” more than having to suffer with post coital vaginal pain akin to thrush.  I’m talking cold baths, cystitis tablets and glass upon glass of cranberry juice everytime you do the business.  Surely the temptation to throw him a copy of “Jugs” and a tub of Vaseline while you catch up on last weeks Downtown must be palpable.


It’s safe to say that more often that not you’re not going to have Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally style orgasms.  Sometimes you might not even come anywhere close to, well, coming.  Fear not, orgasms aren’t the be all and end all, says Cosmo mag.  If he’s a million miles off however and it was an easier job finding the Sphinx than it would be him finding your clitorous, it’s best just to tell him because that’s what’s missing in sex sometimes, good ole communication.  If a bit of chat means you’re closer to achieving the O, it’s worth the lips  service.


Be prepaped to not always look at your best before, during and after sex.  Chances are that unless its a special occasion you’ll be wearing mismatched undies rather than a fancy matching lace set, you won’t have a full face of makeup on and looking like the alluring sex kitten your inner “Bey” you’re trying to challege.  You’ll probably be wearing 8 hour foundation with a spot creeping through on your lip and you’ll have fell outside your “shave 2 times a week” schedule: stubbly legs and a grown out nether region (ready for your next wax session) doesn’t exactly equal sexy .


If you go by Hollywoods depictions of a bubble bath for two, as sexy as it sounds it isn’t going to be all scented bubbles and intimacy. What you’re actually letting yourself in for is a cramped affair with your knees pulled up to your chest, calf cramp from not being able to move easily and one of you is going to wind up with having taps up your ass or in your back. Sit with your back to your partner in between his legs? It’s like you’re on the freaking log flume, not sexy.


In my head, when I take off my undies and tights I look like I’m Christina Aguilera in burlesque – all elegance and hourglass silhouette. Rolling down shaper tights “sensually” usually ends up with you”heave ho”ing them down over your hips or scrambling to wiggle out of stomach holding in pants while on your back and trying not to flash a full frontal wink of your foof at him as your legs are akimbo.


Being adventurous doesn’t always work, all of those films you’ve seen where he sweeps everything off a desk/a table? Looks really sexy in a “I HAVE TO HAVE YOU” kind of way. The reality? I once fell off the kitchen table and bruised my backside trying to be adventurous (yes, I’ve had sex before, sorry) and a friend of mine once got so twisted up in her knickers that were gracing her ankles as she squatted to go down on her fella that she ended up falling over, banging her head and nursing a egg sized lump with a bag of frozen peas.  Don’t let my tales of woe put you off however, if you want to have sex on a table, on a swing or with whatever battery powered object you so desire, that’s your business and yours alone.