With no kind of vocal filter on her always perfectly polished pout (but plenty of Instagram filters) Khloe Kardashian the gobbiest of the Kardashian sisters (or Kar-trash-ian, if you’re a hater) is the girl I can relate to the most.
Famed for her “keeping it real” attitude and packing enough sass in her insane ass to fuel an Americas Next Top Model season, it’s been noted on more than one occasion that there’s certain similarities between the humour/no shiz attitude of the youngest KK and myself. Definitely not looks wise because, despite being dubbed “the ugly Kardashian” by some of the obviously clinically blind and insane media, Khloe is one hot tamale. I think perhaps its more the fact that she has a serious case of the potty mouth, she doesn’t really care what people think about her or because she’s hilarious as sin? Whatever the reason, I thought I’d do a bit of a “sass class with Khloe K” featuring some of her best quotes and a few GIFs because GIFs make the world go round.
1. Hypocrites aren’t sexy. Don’t say one thing and act in completely another way completely because you’ll just end up looking like an idiot. A bit of a “practise what you preach” kind of deal.
2. Bitches be fabulous and us ladies have the upper hand. God gave you a pussy, the bringer of life and multiple O’s so you may as well put it to good use. Who run the world? Girls! & all that.
3. In life, there are circumstances where no matter how banging we’ve been born, we may need a bit of a support – and I’m not just talking mentally. Whether its a bra for your boobs (or your balls) or some plumping lipgloss for the perfect “come hither” pout, don’t be afraid to enhance your assets. Nobody wants saggy balls or fish lips.
4. Don’t talk behind people’s backs, if you have beef with somebody, don a headscarf (so you feel super cool and gangster, obv) and tell them to their face. Nobody likes a backstabber.
5. Stay humble. Unless you’ve had your booty hit by the Flawless stick like Khloe and Ms Beyonce and in that case, f*ck those jealous haters and flaunt your flawlessness, complete with fingersnap.
6. Don’t stay home every weekend in your pyjamas when you could be out dancing with your friends and then complain that you’re “bored”. When you look back on your life you’re not going to remember the 3000th time you watched 500 Days of Summer, the night you looked smoking in your LBD, danced like Beyonce on her world tour and stumbled in at 7am? Memories right there. Boredom is for losers with no imagination.
7. Don’t let people’s bullshiz opinions affect how you see yourself. Let people think what they want to think because opinions are like buttholes, we all have one and the only one you need to worry about is your own (unless you’re into that sort of thing – NO JUDGEMENT).
8. Sometimes it’s okay to admit that you’re not okay. Asking for help does not make you weak or a “loser” it makes you strong, even if the reason you’re not okay is because you’ve lost your favourite lipstick/the dog chewed your favourite heels – being a bit dramz is allowed.
9. Periods suck and there’s no way of dealing with them other than to let the PMS demon bitch that has taken host in your body have control of your life for a while because the walls of your uterus are being torn away by your own body and then expelled via your vajayjay. Who WOULDN’T be a bit ragey?
10. This one doesn’t need much more explaining. Fat, thin, short, tall, sexy is sexy and cute is cute. There isn’t a guide which says “I’m sorry, you’re over a size 12 so you’re no longer sexy and cute” and if there is that guide needs to be doused in petrol and set alight.