LIFE || 25 People I Could Hit in the Face with a Book

The title of this post is pretty self explanatory, I feel as though I spend most of my time on Twitter whinging about people on Facebook and even still, I keep going back on there and watching the social media car crash implode.

I thought I’d pull all my various Facebook “niggles” together and create this, my list of…

25 People I Could Hit in the Face with a Book

(got a sense of humour handy?)


1. People who talk about their children constantly – “XXX just had a wee” “XXX just ate her dinner – what a good girl” – I know you’re a proud parent and I’m sure your child is just precious but I don’t need to read about its bowel movements.  Soz.

2. People who set their profile picture to one of their child/their dog (delete as applicable) – YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON.

3. Attention seekers.

“I’m so p!ssed off”

“why whats up?”

“don’t want talk about it/can’t”

……. or the even more infuriating “inbox me”.

4. Bitstrips. That is all.

5. “XXXXX is in a relationship”…. “XXX is single”…. “XXXX is in a relationships” “XXXX its complicated” – get yerself on Jeremy Kyle love, ain’t nobody got time for this relationship.

6. “XXXX requested you send them a life on Candy Crush/Jelly Splash” – if I could send you any kind of life, it’d be an ACTUAL one which would stop you from playing said games.

7. “just woke up”
“just having a bath”
“just made some toast”
“going watch Jeremy Kyle”
“going go town”

……firstly, you need to get yourself onto Twitter and secondly, how about adding some personality to those updates?

8. People who only update their status to brag “I’m such a lucky girl, going to America on Tuesday!” “Just got back from America!” “Can’t wait for our holiday to Greece in 2 months!” “Just bought a new car!” “I’m going to see Beyonce” – materialistic knob.

9. PDA (public displays of affection via Twitter) “from the first time I met you I knew you were the one for me. You make me so happy and I love our little family and can’t wait to be with you forever xxxxxxxxx” with their significant other tagged in the status.  VOM.

10. People who comment on your cleverly thought out and witty status’ with generic messages they could inbox or text you…. “What you doing at the weekend?” “Did you see Corrie last night” – its like putting ketchup on fillet steak – stop, you’re ruining it.

11. Ppl hu tlk lyk dis cuz dey r stl stuk in 2k4

12. Also, *~*~*~*PeOpLe WhO tAlK lIkE tHiS lIkE tHiS iS mYsPaCe Or

13. “Happy birthday to my gorgeous little girl who is 3 today. Mummy loves you so much and I hope you have a lovely day with all your presents” – does your 3 year old have Facebook? No? Then get her a card like a normal human and stop cluttering my timeline.

14. People who post inspirational quotes.  Every.  Single.  Day.  GET INSPIRED ALREADY AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE REASON WHY YOU’RE SO UNINSPIRED.  Jesus.

15. People who sell things. THIS. IS. NOT. EBAY. P!SS OFF.  Nobody wants to buy your 4 year old pair for £3.50.  I’ll give you £3.50 to remove the damn posts.

16. People who misspell everything. It’s “college” not “collage”, its “cologne” not “colon” and its “genuinely” not “generally”.

17. Uploading every single photo of every single holiday you’ve been on and every single night out and tagging every single person in every single photo….including the outtakes – who has the time to do all that?

18. “If you love your children/partner/dog share this shitty Microsoft Paint image or YOU WILL DIE” – no. soz.

19. Quoting deep and meaningful song lyrics constantly, this ain’t MSN messenger. If you have something to say to someone, just tell them.

20. Along the same line – “some people” status’. “Some people should think before they speak”, “some people need to have a word with themselves”, “some people need to grow some balls and tell some people what they think instead of writing passive aggressive status’ – hmmmm?

21. Sharing competitions constantly. We all love a good freebie but do you really need to win that disgustingly tacky dress that even Jodie Marsh would turn her nose up at?

22. People who unfriend you and then add you again a month later. And then unfriend you again. And then add you again. Yawn.

23. Countdowns to things. 37632763837 days till my wedding. 8727537263 days till we move house. 7367125312 days till our baby is due. Go and book some flowers, pick out some wallpaper or buy a breastpump.

24. Using Facebook as Google. “Can somebody find me the number for ASDA in town?” – how’s about you use the internet connection you’ve just posted that status from to search yourself. Lazy.

25. I don’t need to see hourly pictures of your “pride and joy” being uploaded. I’m sure you love your child and I’m sure they’re lovely, but one picture a week will suffice.   Make it a month.

Did I miss any?

  • Gina Bambina

    Yep, every single one of these are thoughts I have every time I go on Facebook!

  • Rachael (@hookstitch)

    So many of these people fill up my facebook timeline. I also have someone on twitter that follows, unfollows and then readds me for weeks on end – probably because they want me to follow them back, so annoying!

  • HAHA! The reasons I left facebook.

    Also when you ask them how they are, when you’re standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM, they proceed to tell you everything they’ve done, that they’ve posted on Facebook. and then you to keep the conversation going, tell them about something BIG from your life “OH yeah I saw that on FB!”

    AARGH! haha.

  • My main beef is with Bitstrips. SO wank! Sometimes, though, on FB the pain in the ass stuff can actually be the most entertaining.
    Another thing I hate is when people do the casual boast thing, like ‘passed such-and-such, not bad’ or ‘off to Brazil, ok for a morning’s work’. I’d rather they just went ‘wahhooooooo something awesome has happened!’ than pretend to be cool about it.

  • Jade

    Oh my gosh, these are all reasons why I left Facebook! Now I can just feel sug when everyone else complains about it!

  • So much love for this post! I still don’t understand how people get generally and genuinely confused…seriously! x

  • Absolutely every one of these is a huge annoyance of mine on facebook, too! Especially number one; gross and a bit weird! xx

  • This is such a good post! Most of these are the reason I left Facebook. From what I hear it’s just getting worse and worse!

    Jenn | Photo-Jenn-ic