Guest Post: All The Single Gay Men

After spending the last 6 months being single, white, femaled, I thought I’d open up my blog to a couple of friends to get the lowdown on the other side of singledom and dating for you.  

First up is my newly single “GBFF” (Gay Best Friend Forever, obv) Mark.

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As a gay man, I’ve always been somewhat smug when it comes to relationships and the whole dating game. At a pretty young age I managed to find myself in a pretty solid relationship with a person who, at the time, I felt more suited to than I actually thought possible. What’s best is that it all came extremely easily following a couple of other short, more casual relationships – which I suppose, could be classed as ‘dating’, just, without … well, the dates.

Something which has always terrified me is the notion of “a date” and I’m happy to say that, thus far, at 23 years and 11 months old I’ve never actually had to experience one. I’ve never found the process natural at all – I just find it a somewhat odd concept. Your ultimate goal is to find another human to share some of your time with, have sex with and potentially, at some point, consider yourself “in a relationship with” and I can’t help but see a ‘date’ as anything more than an auditioning process;  a horrible, two way audition, where you’re both picking at the different aspects of each other’s personality whilst trying to maintain some level of ‘awesome’ in order to attract the person sitting at the other side of the table.

That can’t be a good way to get to know someone, or a good way to give a good first impression. You wouldn’t find new friends on this basis and I’m pretty certain that it wouldn’t work, even if you tried. In fact, didn’t Paris Hilton do something of that nature? Surely the best way to find a potential partner is in the exact same way that you find friends.

I always said that being gay made this whole process a lot easier – both being male, you can cut out a lot of the crap and just get to the point of what happens; are we attracted to each other? Yes. Shall we have sex? Yes. Was that enjoyable? Yes. Would you like to hang out more with each other? Yes.

Smug Mark can smugly laugh at the straight people and their stressful mating rituals. That is, until I realised that I was just a 16 year old. Now, 9 years later and recently single, I’ve come to realise how naive I was and that, actually, yes, all men are indeed wankers.

I’m not sure how that really works out, y’know, considering I am with penis. I think that the more likely rule is that there’s a subculture of decent people and a subculture of wankers. Never do the members of the same group meet. Ever. The universe just doesn’t allow it.  Unless, naturally, they are the wrong gender or sexuality. Or they’re from Melbourne and are flying back home the following day.

I have yet to fully get back in to the ocean of single people scouting around for a mate, it’s a scary place. However, I have accidentally dipped my toe in the water and that basically resulted in quite an unexpected outcome in the form of me developing some ridiculous crush and turning in to a genuine teenage girl replica. Right down to physically shaking when around the person, being unable to actually speak and actually, literally RUNNING across the road and nearly getting run over to avoid them. It really is pathetic. Ask Charl.

Then, slowly but surely, throughout various Skype chats and an inappropriate amount of ‘bumping in to’ I began to realise that he’s a man. One of those like all my ‘girl’ friends speak of. One of those that just piss around, confuse the hell out of you, seem interested one minute shortly followed by ignoring you completely for extended periods of time, only to suddenly appear again as though that definitely didn’t just happen.

Simultaneously, I also realised that I’ve become ‘that’ gay friend. The one you drink copious amounts of wine with, talking about how shit boys are while debating the best colour cat to have, what your favourite Adele song is and sobbing over your pathetic, empty life.

I’m not, at all, looking forward to trying to find another ‘mate’.  Although, right now, I’m quite happy being single. It seems that no matter if you’re male or female, gay or straight, we’re all not so different after all and dating (or at least attempting to date) is excruciatingly painful no matter what you are. Especially when you’re fat.