There used to be a time when I loved Facebook.   I don’t even remember the moment that I decided to sign up to the social networking giant or why, but knowing me there was probably a male of some kind involved.

When it launched, Facebookwas the more grown up and polished version of Myspace.  If Myspace was high school, then Facebook was the college of social media platforms.  It had more or less the same premise as Myspace, you add your friends (remember the smugness you got from making someones “Top 8″?)  you upload pictures/”Myspace Selfies” and you have a “wall” for friends to write on.  What Facebook had that Myspace didn’t was the ability to update your “Status”.

What are you doing, what are you thinking? Write something.

Over the life span of Facebook, I’ve come to discover that this option shouldn’t be given to every man, woman, child, their flea ridden dog and illiterate granny.  I don’t want to know what everyone is doing, nor what everyone is thinking. Reason being?  Because most people are f*cking boring.

“WHY DO YOU HAVE THEM ON FACEBOOK THEN?”  I hear you ask.

Like Myspace before it, the shiney newness and cool factor of Facebook slowly wore off and anyone and everyone jumped on the bandwagon.  Anybody who had access to a computer had a Facebook account (perhaps in the rest of the country everybody had Facebook at the same time, but most of the people I went to school with can’t even spell their own name, let alone sign up for an email account).  Maybe I’m too nice, but even when the guy from school who smelt like rotting fish with bad B.O added me on Facebook, I felt too cruel to hit the “decline” button and this inability to weed out the weirdos means my Facebook friends list is made up of three types of people:

The people who I “have” to be friends with.  Obligatory Friends where they add you, you try and ignore them but when you seem them they say “I added you on Facebook!” and after 6 months it gets quite hard to carry off the “ah I hardly ever check FB” lie without looking like some technophobic weirdo.  People who I went to school with and haven’t seen since they signed my school shirt, people I worked with and tolerated at the time because I was being paid to, family members who I met at a funeral/wedding/in the supermarket.

People who I actually like.  Friends, family, colleagues – the same as above but ones I wanted to keep updated on.  People who I used Facebook messenger to talk to because it shakes up from the old sending text messages.

Those who I fancy/want to stalk.  Don’t judge me – everyone has them.  You “Friend Request” them expecting them to decline or ignore you, but then they accept and you have to hurriedly clean up your timeline so you don’t look like too much of an idiot/check what pictures you’re tagged in.

If Facebook was the college of social media, then the arrival of Twitter meant the graduation of a special group of people who are cordially making the transition to 140 character updates of pure wit and unadulterated LOLs.  I can more or less name off the top of my head the number of Facebook friends who have successfully made the transition from FB to Twitter, and they spend most of their time being witty and entertaining on Twitter (you know who you are).

Because Facebook simply doesn’t allow for the sort of nonsensical brain streaming that is applauded on Twitter.  If I wrote half of the things that I put on Twitter on Facebook I’d face the small minded and ignorant views of those who hardly ever leave the city they were born into.  & my (occasional) well thought out joke gets lost among of all the pictures of children embarking on their first day back to school, a endless rainbow of school uniforms, mums complaining about their “little princess” or “little soldier” going back to school because they’ll miss them SO SOOOOO SOOOOOO muchand wishing them luck for their first day back – despite the fact their child is 5 years old and doesn’t use Facebook.  (Please note: these are the mum’s who a week ago were complaining about when the school holidays were over cos “their drivin me inzane, man”.

Oh yeah, I forgot, people on Facebook are gramatically incorrect, always.  They spell names without capital letters, they say things like “my boyfriends colon smells lovely” and they call “college” “collage”.   They also hashtag words BEFORE hashtags came into play on Facebook and then get up in your grill when you deem to write a (gramatically correct) status to address that hashtags mean nothing on Facebook and maybe they should stop using them OR sign upto Twitter instead.

Infact, the only reason I use Facebook nowadays is to pimp out my blog posts (probably not this one), to speak to people on chat and to look at/keep up to date on the happenings in my crushes life.

Am I a terrible, terrible person, or am I more or less saying what everyone’s thinking as they scroll through the same old dross? *covers eyes*